Purpose

I've been off work the last couple of days because of a knee injury. It has been nice to get caught up on some things, but at the same time it's been hard. It makes me slow down, which gives my mind time to wonder. I find myself thinking of all the what if and what should have been. It makes me sad and angry. My emotions feel like they are a total free for all. I found myself sitting in my kitchen just letting my thoughts run free. (This is a very dangerous thing for me.) As I sat there, I noticed my first "real" Bible on the shelf by the fireplace. It was the first grown up Bible I ever purchased. I got it the summer I was 15. It's a King James Rainbow study Bible. I so loved that Bible. I've since become slightly addicted to purchasing and collecting Bibles, but this one will always hold a special place in my heart. I took it off the shelf and began to become reacquainted with it. There on the front is my name in gold. My maiden name. I forget that I was ever a person before Ben, but I was.

Inside are notes from some of my best girlfriends in my teenage years. Most I never talk to anymore. My favorite Bible verse is written in the front. Isaiah 55:4-5,12. With the date 4/5/97. That's the night my heart knew my life had a greater purpose than just living the day to day routine. Somewhere over the years the calling I felt on my life that night got pushed into the background; ignored, but never truly forgotten.

Next I find some Bible notes, both mine and Ben's. They are from a troubled time in our marriage a few years back. Suddenly I remember those days. The feelings of fear, sorrow, anger sweep over me once again.

Then there is a piece of notebook paper. A letter to me, from Ben. It isn't dated, but I'm thinking it's from early in our marriage. The words in it are sweet. Honest. They make me question how much of this is my fault. Maybe if I had been different... They leave me feeling empty and sorrowful.

Lastly is another note from Ben. One side is a "Life Brightener." It has Jeremiah 29:11 written on it. At the bottom it says this, "God knows what's best for us, even when we don't understand all that's going on in our lives. Let's join God on this adventure and see where His plans lead us!" I feel God speak into my heart. There is still a plan for me. He still has a purpose for my life; for my story. There may not be an "us", but there is still the God. That never has and never will change. The question now is, do I trust Him? Will I put my full and complete life into His hands? Do I want to know the plans He has for me? Will I trust Him to fulfill His purpose in my life?

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11